While the sailors in Homer’s “Odyssey” filled their ears with beeswax to resist hearing the Siren’s call, I unknowingly filled my ears with a buzzing. The Siren’s call that the sailors feared would have led them to disaster. My Siren’s call was issuing forth from my soul, whose intention was not to draw me towards my death, but towards ever greater joy and liberation.
It was the summer 1995 and I had been living with a constant buzzing in my ears for six months. Neither doctors nor audiologists could determine the cause. Whatever it was I “had” didn’t fit the criteria for any diagnosis, including tinnitus.
Then one day I went to Women to Women, a holistic health center in Yarmouth, Maine that was founded by renowned physician Dr. Christiane Northrup. I arrived, filled out forms, and was ushered into an exam room where I soon met with a nurse practitioner. Her name was Marcelle Pick and I’ll never forget her because of the impact she just happened to have on the course of my life.
She began our visit with the usual health related questions. I told her about my quest to find a cure for my Crohn’s disease and about the buzzing in my ears. We talked about my diet and my lifestyle and then, quite casually, she asked, “And how’s your marriage, Kate”?
That’s when it happened. I completely fell apart. My body responded before I had time to pass a single thought through my head. One minute I was a “together” woman being proactive about her health care and the next minute I was, quite literally, a shaking, quaking, sweaty, sobbing mess. I shocked the hell out of myself – and Marcelle too, I’m sure. This meltdown took me completely by surprise. What in the world was happening? Where had this sudden volcanic eruption come from?
It came from denying the truth of what I was feeling and just hadn’t wanted to face. I was, in fact, unhappy in my marriage and scared to death to leave.
To be more specific, I was afraid of hurting a very good man who had never been anything but loving towards me. I was afraid of starting over, alone, in my 40’s. I was afraid that I might never find love again. And I was afraid of making a terrible mistake.
Our married life was actually good in many ways. We liked and respected each other, and still do. We didn’t fight. And we were always kind to one another. But the truth I didn’t want to face was that the relationship just wasn’t the right one for me. I felt like I was growing old inside; that’s the best way I can describe it. I couldn’t explain it rationally, but I knew the truth of it in my heart.
So, the dam of denial finally broke that day with Marcelle. And I knew right then that there was no turning back. A part of me was terrified and a part of me was hugely relieved to finally have the truth brought to the light of my consciousness.
After the appointment, as I made my way back to my car, I noticed something that stopped me in my tracks. I stood still and listened. All I could hear was silence.
The buzzing had stopped. Just. Like. That.
I made it through the truth telling and the leaving and the guilt and the loneliness and I made it through the fear. I went on to build a wonderful new life. And, yes, I did find love again.
